Numbness

The worst punishment is when you know that someone you really care about does not have much time and there's nothing you can do about it.

Even more worse - that person wants you out of their lives.

Much much worse - that person misunderstands you and has bittermost feelings about you in their hearts.

I'm sentenced for life. I really hope god takes me instead of that person.

Life isn't fair.

Yeah, I know that this is probably a ''happy realization" statement but when you really feel it coming true, it hurts real bad.

I shouldn't even bother writing about getting hurt or anything because I totally deserve it. I'm drowning in my own self pity state. I don't like anything about me. Infact, I think I hate myself. That's the catch! That's my effing problem. I hate myself and everything about me. I think the GOD that was making me was playing some sort of cruel joke like -- Haha! Here - you have everything but you don't have anything.

It's like I have a perfect life which is empty. I have everything that a human being needs to live. What's missing? Parents, health, friends, family, love, education, faith? Nothing! It's all there. But still nothing is there.

There's a limit upto which a person can take it in. The problem is when it starts being a mundane thing. Everytime there's something that keeps bothering me. There's not one effing moment that I can call as ''peace''. It's like this weird package deal! Either settle for complete peace or complete nuisance. I must've been a fool choosing the latter part.

Yeah, I know some of my amazing friends would go like : Chill! Be happy with what you have. God has blessed you a lot. Think about people who are not priviledged enough and blah blah. I hate it when you guys say that. I really do. You wanna know why? Because you all have been there. Don't deny it. What if someone gives you a speech on something which is absolutely nowhere related to the problem you've been dipping in? How would you feel? Prolly feel like thrashing that person right then.

I'm so frustrated right now with everything. I can't even finish myself or escape from this life sucking hell because I'm attached to my family and my friends or people who like err tolerate me! I've to be right there -- LIVING! SUFFERING!

Ironic how the concept of living makes me suffocate now.

Life sucks. So do I.